I’ve recently taken a very definitive step in my treatment of depression. After trying my hardest to recover on my own using CBT and the support of the people around me I realised I was fighting a losing battle and decided to yes to antidepressants.
I’d avoided medication twice. My Dr offered me it at the first appointment, and shocked the life out of me. They really offer it that easily? They just give it away like that? I said no. At a follow up appointment I asked her to talk me through it more, and hearing the details decided it wasn’t the best idea for me. I wasn’t that depressed, surely. I just needed to talk with someone and that would make me feel better. Wouldn’t it?
Then my depression became infinitely worse. As bad as it has ever been. Between my mum and my friend I was ordered to the Drs. I knew this time I had to ask for medication. I had to beg for medication. After a 10 minute chat the Dr agreed, and prescribed.
I didn’t want to do this. I had CBT last year and that really seemed to help. But after some more pain in my personal life it came back with a vengeance. I’m far too sensitive and expect too much of people. This probably sounds really childish but I’ve always but so much emphasis on the people in my life I take rejection so badly. No matter what the good is it is weighed down by the bad. Everything was just too hard.
The experience so far of taking Sertraline, even though I’m only a couple of days in, has been positive. The Dr explained it would take a few weeks for it to kick in properly, but after one day I was feeling brighter. I’m still not certain if this is a placebo effect or not. But I had more energy. My head feels clearer. I still feel a sadness like I can’t comprehend, but my brain has a clarity it hasn’t had for such a long time. I feel a bit disorientated sometimes, a bit spaced out. I feel a bit sleepy sometimes. But overall it is like the sharp edge has been taken off.
The accounts I’d read about taking meds rings true. They warn that people will have more energy but still a low mood, which puts them at an even higher risk of suicide. I still have this pain in my chest from sadness but I feel like I can do and achieve more with my time. In the wrong hands I can see how this is a very dangerous combination.
The medication seems to reach a peak in the late afternoon. Yesterday evening I was sat on the bus reading my book after work and felt this amazing calm and realised how much I was enjoying that second. There was no worries about the last day in work, or what was coming tomorrow. I was just enjoying reading my book.
I don’t know how long I will be taking the tablets for, if the dose will go up again or even if the tablets will change completely. In reality I’ve already realised I regret not having done this earlier. If your brain isn’t producing a normal amount of serotonin no amount of talking about your problems will change this. I don’t think tablets will magically solve my problems or make me deliriously happy, but I’m not looking for happy. I want neutral. I want content. I want to not hate who I am.
I’d take tablets for a headache? Why not take tablets for something that makes me considerably more ill?
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